He was supposed to be a rebound. A distraction from the craziness. Someone to take the taste out of my mouth, so to speak, of the horrible end to my marriage. I went into it with a carefree attitude, expecting little. I went in thinking he was a safe option, and quickly realized there is no such thing as “safe” when emotions get involved.
We both were recently out of relationships that ended badly. We went out a few times, getting to know each other. He was nice. He said all the right things. He made me feel pretty, and wanted. I admired his drive, his dedication to his family, his willingness to adapt, and boy was he nice to look at!
I had butterflies. I found myself thinking about him all the time. I stared at my phone trying to telepathically make him text me. OH! WHAT?! NOOOOOOO. Not going to end well. There was a little voice in my head, screaming ABORT MISSION! Instead, I thought, why not go with it? Maybe I should be open to the possibilities the universe is putting in front of me.
When I dropped my guard, is about the time he started backing out. I was aware enough to notice, to see it coming. I tried to call him out on it, but he claimed he was just really busy. So, I did what any female in my position would do – I freaked out. I tried to convince myself of what was happening, all the while still tied to the outcome. I couldn’t distance myself from caring at that point. I continued to pretend I wasn’t invested.
In my head I was Andie from Pretty in Pink, and he was Blane:
I wish he would have been more honest. I wish I hadn’t tried to decipher what he said via text, like it was all in code. Side Note: WHY DO WE DO THAT?!
I understood that he didn’t want to be exclusive. I knew I wasn’t ready for a real relationship. In theory I didn’t really want to be exclusive either. But, I did want to see him more. And he didn’t have the time. He said he was really busy, and needed to schedule far in advance and then never asked to schedule anything. I let him know that I was having a hard time with super casual, that I saw myself being able to develop feelings, and he replied that he thought emotional attachment was normal even in casual. Unfortunately this was all said over text. And then he never texted me again.
I get it. I read He’s Just Not That Into You. I saw the movie! That’s fine. Except, It’s. Not. Fine. I was numb, then felt amazing, and now my chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it. Rejection is crushing. This is what people go through. This is what dating someone, and then realizing it’s not going to work out, or it’s not the right timing, or it’s not the right person, feels like. It is AWFUL! Why do people do this to themselves over and over and over again?! They do it for the amazing feeling. That is the drug. That’s why people keep going back. The other reason: sometimes it takes another person to make you forget about the last.
I’m still working my head around all the lessons I can take from what happened. One thing, is that I felt motivated by him. Hearing him talk about his goals so clearly, about all the things he wanted to do and how he was making it happen really helped me to define a few of my own goals and set them in motion. I thank him for that. For helping me realize those thoughts and feelings that I had put so far down on my list. One of those things was writing.