When I was in college, I did the classic college stuff. I was in a sorority. I went to frat parties. When old enough, I went out to the bars….. 4 nights a week. I had fun! You’re supposed to spend this time finding your limits, right?! I also encountered plenty of drunk sexually aggressive men.
I knew how to deal with guys back then. I knew how to flirt, even if it was just innocent. And when the guy made his intentions obvious, I knew how to get out of dodge. I knew how to say”no” without getting called a “bitch” or “tease”. I knew how to work it just enough so I could spend the night drinking for free, without the guy freaking out that he paid and “got nothing” in return. Mostly this is reading people and knowing which guy isn’t going to loose his shit. Knowing what was “risky” and staying out of those situations. To be sure there were still guys who had a hard time understanding the word “no”, but I did my best to avoid them and they lost interest eventually. I DO NOT want to suggest that a woman who is sexually assaulted by a man, could have done anything different, or is in anyway at fault! But as women, especially in college, we are taught to avoid risky behavior that would make you a target for creeps.
Just to be clear: Sexual assault, or rape, is NEVER OK. There is NO EXCUSE. If you have had an experience with this, I am sorry. It was NOT your fault. There is a rape culture, and women are taught that they contribute to men who choose to attack women.
Now, instead of meeting people in bars, guys are trolling internet dating sites looking to get laid. Some of these guys may actually be looking to make a real connection with someone and good for them. Most are just trying to get laid. I’m not faulting them for this, I get it, I believe that their technique needs work.
Below is a conversation I had, the guy is a law student and is 25. I hope he doesn’t have a sexual harassment lawsuit by the time he’s 35. But at least he will be able to defend himself. I regret not asking if this “method” has actually ever worked.
This is exactly the kind of guy I don’t want anything to do with. We will call him Sam (sexually aggressive man). Sam is the kind of guy that will buy you a drink and then wonder why you don’t want to go back to his place, or even get mad about it. Sam is the kind of guy that doesn’t deal well with rejection. Sam is the kind of guy that should wear a warning, or a bell, or something, so that all the women he comes into daily contact with know that he will probably offend them in some way.
In some ways I feel a bit bad for this guy. Mostly because Sam will never know exactly how loathsome he actually is. And I especially shudder at the thought that this man may have children someday passing on his view that its ok to treat women this way.
I’m 100% sure it would not be amazing, btw.