Target Stories

It’s inevitable that I have stories about going to Target. It’s mom heaven. It’s the mother-ship. I’m a SAHM, and I live half my life wondering the aisles of Target.

One day I am there killing time. And I have my youngest with me. We have a routine. We start at Starbucks. I get a grande mocha. She gets a milk and a pastry. We sit, enjoy our breakfast, I peruse the cartwheel app finding deals, and then eventually we get a cart. Next is negotiations with a terrorist two year old. I want her to ride in the cart, and she wants to walk and destroy everything in her path. Some days I win, some days she wins.

On this particular occasion, we had meandered through the women’s clothing, past the shoes, and rounded the corner by the kids clothes and baby items. I think at this point I had a pile of diaper/pull ups in the cart, and the two year old was busy in the front seat of the cart. She was sneezing, but didn’t have a runny nose. I kept checking in with her to see if she needed a tissue which she didn’t, and good, cause I forgot to put tissues in my giant mom bag.

At this point we are in the main aisle next to the books/magazines. My weakness – books. I usually walk by this section so fast, or avoid passing by all together because I can not pass up a new book or magazine. Doesn’t matter that I will probably never read it. That it will set on a dresser, night stand or shelf and collect dust for eternity. So here I am browsing, with the cart at my back, with one eye on my kid. I look up, and see a tall, cute, slightly scruffy guy coming toward me. And by “towards me” I mean walking down the main aisle in my direction, but clearly has things to get and is not at all going to walk up to me and ask for my number. I see that he is looking at the kid. I hear a sneeze. I look to the cart, and see my kid wipe the giant pile of snot off her nose and into her mouth. Yup. That happened. For reals, yo. And the cute guy saw it all. Saw it all and fell to his knees laughing in the middle of Target. He takes a moment, is dying laughing, and eventually pulls it together to get up and tell me “that just made my day”. Great. Glad I could help.

Meanwhile. There was a second person in the aisle. A mom. With a cart. Also with a small child. I look back to her, see that she saw what happened, and she turned her head, made a face, and basically said “eww gross!” Ugh, Fuck You Judgy McJudgerson Mom! You have kids! Don’t pretend that they don’t do extremely gross stuff all the time! Well that’s what I should have said to this fancy pants mom in her Kate Spade, that no kid of hers would ever dream of being so base.

In reality, this is when I bolted. Straight to the tissue aisle, and busted open a box, and cleaned up the rest of my kids face.

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