There are Plenty of Fish out in that there sea, but only a few are a real catch. Its a gnarly game of catch and release.

Bachelor #1:


“Hry”?! Wow. I know language is getting lazy. I am aware that I too use a few acronyms, but you should be able to type out a full first message, “How are you?” Is that really too difficult? We can’t be friends.

Bachelor #2:


Oh Boy! I think I should be offended? So, I’m pretty, but he is assuming that it takes me forever to get that way? Was this meant to be a compliment? Is he actually asking, for a time frame? Mind you, I have several pictures posted of varying degrees of “pretty” so, not sure if he is referring to the picture in which I have a lot of make-up on, or none at all. Also, I really don’t think it’s that hard to actually type stuff out anymore. Smart phones have come a long way, and you can practically type a whole conversation just by using the word suggestions. I mean, unless he has a flip phone, there is no reason. And If he does have a flip phone, then well…. No thank you.

 Bachelor #3


Come on man! Do you not have any friends to help you out?! One selfie gets a pass, but an entire profile of selfies is NOT OK! Do you actually think that you look good in these pictures?! Get a friend. Maybe even find a girl (like a friend’s wife/girlfriend) who takes pity on you, and have her help you pick out the actual nice pictures, as opposed to every picture you just took. Just a suggestion, but maybe you take a real picture, like with friends, not covering part of your face, and that doesn’t resemble a mug shot. Because right now, I’m pretty sure there is something very wrong with your chin and/or neck. Is that where you have your prison tattoos? Eesh – Did you have mouth cancer and your lower jaw is partially removed?

Bachelor #4


I’m going to swipe no on this guy. Ugh. A selfie says “I have no friends” or “I am really into myself” and a blurry public bathroom selfie says “I am way too drunk to know any better.” Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope

Bachelor #5


Oh My. Wow. Where do I even begin. “Lovely”? Is that a conversation starter that I am not aware of? Are you calling me “lovely”? Are you just saying, “Great this is going to be lame”? I am not sure that an inner monologue is the best pick up technique. That’s sweet that you said I “look good”, but I feel like maybe you sent this message out to several people. I feel like you didn’t even read my profile. If this is how you sound in real life, then I’m out. NEXT!

Bachelor #6

I may have saved the best for last.


I was planning on ignoring this guy, since in the first message he called me “Baby” and it’s just so patronizing and condescending to say that to a stranger. Also, he only has one picture with his face in it. His shirt obviously has an aversion to staying buttoned or on. If his shirt doesn’t even want to be that close, I’m not going to take any chances.


First – I seem like a nice person? Well, oops. Please kind sir, what lead you to believe that, and I’ll go change it now. Second – Why am I single? Well that’s a really complicated situation, that is none of your business. I’m single because I am no longer in a relationship.


I think that every guy who says I’m “sexy” is full of shit. I am not trying for sexy, I didn’t post any sexy pictures. I’m not making any flirty faces, I’m not showing any skin. I think that guys think that girls want to be called sexy. Or I think that men say “you are sexy” when they really mean – “I would like to have sex please, and you’ll do”.

Oh and then he says “When was the last time you were sexually active?” Really?! What? Who says things like that?! If you are going to be the bozo creeper that says something like this do you really say “sexually active”. Are you a Sex Ed teacher? Were you just trying to segue in to a safe sex talk? I doubt it! I’m also confused how this obvious Fuckboy just transitioned from saying “cuz” into a serious fully typed out sentence.






7 thoughts on “Throwbacks

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