There are Plenty of Fish out in that there sea, but only a few are a real catch. Its a gnarly game of catch and release.

Bachelor #1


Before I begin – Please know that this lovely specimen of a man is 43 years old. I didn’t think he was terrible looking from his posted pictures, but he is obviously overcompensating for something.

Now. Let’s walk through this together, shall we?

He “could show me the sights”. Listen, this is Cleveland, OH. Not New York or LA. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take very long to see “the sights”. So, it would be, what, a 5 minute car ride? But! It would be in “quite a lavish fashion” in a Rolls Royce. So, let me think about it…… Um, No. Seriously. Shania Twain status over here. That don’t impress me much! And do you really want the girl that would take that bait? Gross. I get that I’m from California, and your car is from California, but I’m not really looking to date your car, which at this point has more charm and character than you.

shania twain impress

lmk…. lmk… Let me know if you are a lazy jerk who can’t be bothered to type out a sentence. Step 1, impress with language and typing skills. Step 2, bring up car. AND – can we talk about the passive aggressiveness of the lmk (or let me knows, as I prefer)? Aren’t we all taught that passive language is the worst form? Aren’t we all taught that language, especially in the typed form should be clear, direct, and concise?

let me know

A word on all the ellipses. I think you are doing it wrong. Time and place, dude. Time and place. I LOVE a good ellipse, but a full paragraph full of them, using them for every sentence is a little much. Over kill. You just murdered it.

Do you actually… like that…… in real life…… cause…… that…..would be….. sooooooo…………ANNOYING!

It reminds me of the “yada yada yada” episode of Seinfeld. What are you not saying in that awesomeness of a paragraph, that you had to leave out using the ellipses?

yada yada yada

Dude. DUDE. We have sentence structure and grammar for a reason. I’m pretty sure only high schoolers are allowed to bastardize language this badly, and only in the verbal form.

So, If I could be so bold as to edit your first message it would look like this: “Would you like to grab coffee sometime? I would love to take you on a drive through the city in my vintage Rolls Royce. Are you interested?” Better. But still a bit creepy. I’m pretty sure you are the opposite of classy.

creepy dudes

I got a notification of the first message while I was on my phone doing something else – reading up on the internets and such. I clicked on the notification; it hopped apps to this amazing message which I skimmed; then double tapped my way back to my original task. Presumably he saw that I read the first message, then exited out of the app to go back to what I was actually doing, and thus sent the second message. He needs me to know that he knows that I read his message with out responding immediately.

And, for the extra creepy part. I saw the first message, said “is this guy serious right now” out loud, took a screen shot and sent it to a friend. And seconds later I get this second message. Yikes! Re-screen shot, re-send to my friend. Friend kindly pointed out that the King of Passive Aggressive Land was not just passive aggressive with his let me knows, but also by saying “if you aren’t too shy”. He automatically assumes that the ONLY reason why I wouldn’t respond is my problem and not his. It’s obviously because I’m shy, not because he is a creepy creeper.

passive aggressive

His profile was a lot more gibberish and ellipses, and for that reason, not even the car can save this guy. Just Kidding! Nothing could have saved this guy. And as Mr. Police Officer says, “Fuck Off.” NEXT!!


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