Throwbacks

There are Plenty of Fish out in that there sea, but only a few are a real catch. Its a gnarly game of catch and release.

Bachelor #1

So here is the message I received….

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I believe in honesty so I will tell you what I’m looking for and then please let me know if you would be interested. Ok. Good start. Honesty is something I think most people are on board with. We all talk about wanting honest communication.

First and foremost I’m looking for a women that I could have fun with. Looking for a woman to have fun with? Excellent. Don’t want any boring women. Not at all. Fun only.

I’m a very sexual person and I’m looking for someone who is the same. Gah – WHAT?! Wait. What happened here? Do you need to lead with this info? Who says this? No one says this. Would you say this in real life? Are you going up to women in a bar and leading with this line?

Are there humans that aren’t sexual? I feel like those people are called asexual, and it’s kinda rare. So what you really are looking for is someone who wants to have sex with you. Which will narrow down the field a lot. I mean, just because someone is interested in sex, doesn’t mean they are interested in having sex with everyone. Side note: no judging if you do want to have sex with lots of people – just please be safe.

I don’t believe in sleeping around so I want to find that special person and if our relationship develops into more then I am all for it. You don’t believe in sleeping around? No? Super masculine, very sexually driven guy doesn’t want to have to try very hard? Needs a willing partner to have all kinds of crazy, dare I say fun, sex, and doesn’t want to constantly have to work to find that next partner? Ok. I mean, that’s admirable? But… I feel like there is a word for a person that you are exclusively sleeping with… What’s that word?

Wants to find someone special, and have a naturally occurring regular sex life. OH! That’s right. You just described a girlfriend/wife. You want a steady secure relationship with a fun woman, that is willing to have sex with you on a regular basis. Yup. Pretty sure you could have just said “I’m looking for a girlfriend”. Really, so many of your words are not needed. Who in a developing relationship gets to the sex part, and then stops there and says, “nah that’s ok, I’d rather not”? I was under the impression that sex is part of a normal mature adult relationship. It may take some people longer than others to get to that point in the relationship, but it’s a given that sex happens in a relationship.

I’m left wondering what kind of twisted relationships you have had previously that you felt the need to lead with the SEX talk. This poor guy, meeting women who have no interest in sex. That’s rough times right there. Is that an Ohio thing? Is that a super religious thing? Maybe, it just says more about you as a person, that you are that much of an ass no one can stand you?

That’s new to me. That there are women who want to be in a relationship and not have sex. But, this guy isn’t the first to lead with this type of information. Which leads me to believe that there are actually women out there, with guys in committed relationships, and they are not having sex. And I’m not talking about not having sex as in it only happens once a week, or a few times a month. We are talking about next level not-having-sex for several months (years?) at a time. And to those guys – sorry dude. That’s that cool. That’s not normal (unless there is a pregnancy/new baby involved). That’s not a healthy relationship. Maybe you’re doing it wrong?

But please, don’t make assumptions based on last relationships. You guys hate it when we do it. Please, maybe next time don’t mention sex before you have even bought the lady a drink! Just stick with “you’re really pretty, are you interested in going out sometime”. KEEP IT SIMPLE! Stick to the basics! I still would have said no. But at least it would not have been this awkward.

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You seem like an ok guy, if a bit misguided. But, based on this picture (and a few of the others) I would have said nope no matter what your message said.  I’m not the girl that finds this attractive. How are you that tan in Ohio? It’s literally snowing for half the year (well snow is possible). Do you go tanning? Is this a spray tan?  This man, in his late 30’s, looks like he takes steroids. Maybe that is what’s wrong with your sex life? I guess I happen to prefer a tall skinny pale guy… Uh, I mean a more natural look.

I’m not against tattoos in general. But, I don’t find yours attractive at all. The other pictures of his tattoos are even worse. He has what looks like one of the horsemen of the apocalypse on his back with a bloody smiley face for a shield. It makes me want to barf.

I picture this guy dating someone very blonde, like platinum. Maybe its long and spiral permed, all teased out and big. I think she paid for her boobs, and went a tad too large for her small 5’3″ frame. I imagine that she wears heels all the time. Like barbie at the beach heels. At least three inch heels at all times in life. At home, she wears those red mules with the poof ball on the top. She can be found wearing cut up band shirts, and cut-off jean shorts. Or mini skirts. I bet this woman wears a lot of mini skits. Nothing I just described is remotely close to being me. It just would not work. I would look like a nerdy librarian, and he looks like a rioded out version of Brian Cranston.

Come on – BATHROOM SELFIE?! Do you men have no friends? Did you not get the memo that selfies in the bathroom are not ok? And, I would like to point out that I did NOT crop his face out of this picture, he did. At least clean the bathroom. Put the hairbrush away! Whose hair brush is that anyway?! I can tell by the other pictures you have no hair, and your profile says you don’t have kids. Put the toilet seat and lid down. Hide the bathroom cleaning supplies/plunger.

Just gross. No. NEXT!

 

 

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