I’m noticing I have a pattern.
I know it hasn’t been very long for me to say as such, but hear me out.
I sign up for whatever dating app and I start chatting with several guys. Those who are actually interested in me will eventually ask me out, and I will say yes. Because, why else am I talking to them? We will set up a time and place to meet. Maybe its just not meant to be and there is no second date. Hopefully, it goes well and there is a second date. I get to second date status, and then past that we are “seeing each other” or “casually dating”.
But inevitably, there is one guy that I am drawn to more than the others. And this is where I have an issue. Because I find myself getting bored and over the other guys, slowly putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. So, there I am, now all in with one guy, having a hard time chatting up other guys, or making any real effort to go out with anyone else.
I have limited time, maybe one or two nights a week to even go out. Many times I have appointments scheduled for stuff that I can only take care of when kids are not around. So if there is a guy I like, I schedule with that one guy, and then I’m out of free days.
A friend suggested that this wasn’t totally a bad thing, and that I just keep my eyes open for 3 months, and at the end of the time period tally up the red flags. If it’s good with minimal red flagage, then keep going. If it is clearly red flag central then end it.
Meanwhile the guy may be dating several other women. I don’t really know. And, I’m not allowed to talk about it. Because, that’s the game. Those are the rules. Non-monogamy. Non-exclusivity. The rule of scarcity. Another friend suggested I just assume he’s got 3-5 girls he’s talking to, and if it happens to be 0, bonus!
I’m trying to stay emotionally above the fray, but that takes real effort. What if the guy ISN’T seeing other people. Then am I the jerk that is still seeking other guys to talk to, when he’s actually really into me? What does that even look like? How would I know? What will he say? Obviously this has never happened in real life.
It is really hard for me to keep track of multiple guys. I don’t see how there are guys out there that do it. Maybe I might feel differently if I didn’t have the added bonus of single motherhood taking up most of my time.
In a lot of ways this goes back to the whole “online now!!” thing. I like a guy. I can tell that the guy likes me, but there is the temptation for everyone to continue to check all the dating apps due to FOMO. At what point should the dating apps be deleted? SIDE NOTE: Thank you to Bumble for getting rid of the “active” sort setting.
I was listening to Anna Faris’ podcast the other day. They had a woman call in about her Tinder “friend”, who she was going out with for a month and discovered he was seeing other people. Now it wasn’t just that he was dating other people and she wasn’t, because she could easily get back out there. But in her words, now it was a competition that she wanted to win! Chris Pratt walked into the room during this call and his advice was simple. Girls hold the power, they have the commodity that guys want. Don’t have sex until its exclusive. Chris Pratt said, make him wait for it. Put players on the field, hit some balls, round the bases, but don’t give up home plate. No one scores.
This is the same advice I hear over and over. It makes me wonder though – Can’t the guy just get laid elsewhere? I’m not trying to scam a guy into a relationship. I’m not trying to make a relationship happen in 3 months. I just would like the guy that I choose to spend my time with, to want to spend time with me also.
I just need to remember – I’m not dating and meeting new people to find a mate. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I don’t feel the need to have babies due to a biological clock. I am just looking to get out of the house and have fun! This is supposed to just be fun. Let go and see what happens.
So, that’s the mantra. Whenever the crazy starts to set in, and the obsessing over the one guy and what he may or may not be doing starts to flare up, I remember that this is supposed to be fun. I’m just getting to know the guy, its just for fun.