Insecurities

I’ve deleted PoF from my phone, and I deleted the account.

When MJ and I had our exclusive chat (I think that’s what it was, I may have been a tad tipsy), he asked me if I was dating other people, or had I been. I said that yes, there was another guy I went out with a couple of times. I didn’t mention the other guys I had been talking to… I explained that I wasn’t really “dating” him. It was just a few dates. And he asked, where did you meet him? Well, on PoF. He was one of the relatively normal guys on there. I was talking about April Fools.

Several days later, as I was bored, I opened up PoF to check out what messages might be waiting for me. I had turned off all notifications a long time ago, and so checked it about once a week, mostly to find the most ridiculous messages to post about here. There was a message from MJ. And he says he had to reactivate his account, but wanted to find me on there. Wanted to see what I wrote and my pictures. I was so embarrassed.

And now, not only was he on PoF, but I could see when he was “online now!” I hate that! Ugh. Was he getting messages? Was he sending out messages? Was he checking out any other profiles? Was he online now checking out all the girls, or was he online now so he could see my profile? Was he on there showing his friends? I just hate all of it.

I tried to explain to him the reason why I kept it active, without telling him about the blog directly. I’m not ready for him to know about the blog. It’s too much like a diary, to share with the person you are writing about! I said I read the messages, and screen shot to my friends. He seemed to be joking with me. He said he was just giving me a hard time. Told me he trusted me and didn’t care. But now I felt bad that maybe he was upset by it, AND I was feeling insecure about him being on there. I wouldn’t be able to block him, or delete our conversation without him being aware of it. But I also could not continue to go on there seeing his possible “online now!” status.

I chose to just delete all of it. Then I told him I did, because if he went on there my profile would be gone. He assured me I did nothing wrong. I believe him. He said I didn’t have to delete it on his account. He said he wasn’t insecure about it at all. Which, I know. I know he wasn’t insecure, and that he wasn’t making me delete anything. I did it for me, and my mental health. I wouldn’t have been able to resist going onto the app all day, just to see if he was “online now!”. I deleted Bumble off my phone, but not the full account, for the same reason. I don’t want to see that he is on there updating his profile, thinking about his possibly still swiping through.

It doesn’t matter how confident I am, I am very insecure in relationships. Do I think I’m pretty? Yes. Do I think I am smart? Absolutely. Do I think I’m funny? For sure. Do I think that I have a lot to offer in a relationship? Definitely. Do I think I will ever find someone who thinks I’m amazing and smart and funny and pretty? No.

I believe that I won’t find someone who could love me. That I don’t deserve it.  I realize there is a disconnect. I know it doesn’t make a ton of sense. But, basically, the people that were “supposed to love” me never expressed that I was loved, pretty, or smart. It’s a thing. I’m working on it. But I have an issue with trust. I have an issue with insecurities.

And so, I can’t be in a relationship with a person I met on an online dating app, and not delete everything. I can’t be tempted to look for issues that may not exist. It’s not about thinking that this is an amazing relationship that will last forever. It’s about me, and keeping myself from obsessing about the unknowns.

 

 

 

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