It all started as a joke. He said “strap on a tool belt”, and I flippantly responded “you lost me at strap on”. Because I’m hilarious. But he has a thing for strap-ons?
I got frustrated because I gave him my availability twice, to try to plan something. And while he responded to me, he didn’t reply regarding the scheduling part. I called him out. That’s not ok dude. It’s disrespectful. If you don’t want to see me, or have other plans, or are even seeing someone else, then just say “no” and I can go about planning the day.
He made a comment that he wouldn’t stand for “that”. I assured him I was sincere, not trying to play him. We have only been out three times. If he didn’t want to see me, or if he was seeing other people or whatever, its perfectly understandable at this point. He basically responds that he is consumed less with wanting to start a relationship than he his about growing his business. He did the relationship thing (marriage), when he thought he should. When he thought he would have his own kids. When he thought that was what he was supposed to do. And I get it. I really do. People fall into relationships all the time for the wrong reasons. Because their clocks are ticking loudly in their ear.
I say, that’s fair.
He says he still wants to hang out, that I shouldn’t shy away because its not what I am looking for. First thing – this really means, he wants to see me and have sex, but whatever about the relationship part. Second – we’ve never talked about what it is that I’m looking for, so ugh how dare he. I just don’t want to feel like I’m begging a guy who wants to see me, to actually see me in person. Third – Thank you for your honesty, now let’s move on.
I tell him, that all I really want and expect is honesty. Which I think is a great starting point for anything you do in life. Live honestly. In all moments. And, if I may get deep for a second, be self-aware enough to be honest with yourself. I tell him I’m not looking to jump into anything super serious.
Here is what I know so far. I want to date. I want to meet people. I want to make new friends. I want to expand my circle. While it is not a priority, I want to (eventually) find a person I really connect with. I want the person who will be a good match intellectually, emotionally, and sexually.
I am aware that “dating” covers all manner of sins, shall we say. That this term means anything from a casual fuck buddy, to a long term girlfriend/boyfriend. I find the emotional part of dating to be difficult. I get too analytical. I get competitive with trying to win a person. When the other person says, meh keep it casual, it gives me permission to turn off the planning portion of my brain. Once I had the information and could put him into the category of casual/non emotional, it was much easier to proceed. We both have other things in out life that will always come first
(at least at this stage in a relationship). He has his business and I have my kids. I can respect that.
I stew on what was said (via text) all night. I wake up in the middle of the night and type out a response but hold off on sending until the morning.
Finally in the morning I send it – “I don’t want to guilt anyone into spending time with me. You either do or don’t. Yes, I’d like to see you. I’m not trying to insert myself into your life. I have limited availability. I plan. I schedule. If I throw out a time/date, be respectful of my time and tell me yes or no. Don’t just ignore it. Maybe it comes across as too aggressive, maybe you need me to back off, that’s fine too.”
He says he understands and he gets it. He asks if I want to put him into chastity. Asks if that would make me feel better. Wait… What!? He sends me a link. OH SHIT. Not where I thought the conversation was going to go.
Mind you, It’s 8am and I’m walking in Target. Not ok. Note to self – NSFW should also mean don’t look at it while trying to shop in Target.
So, I have the conversation. I’m curious at this point. I’ve already put him into the sex only box. We start to get into details, and he at one point calls me a deviant. And I disagree. Because at this point, as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual, whose to judge, right!? I have a healthy respect for sex, and for having an open dialogue about it. Also, I read a lot of romance novels. They are just so fast to read through. Some of them are erotica. I’ve read and know about way more than I have actually done. Sometimes its the fantasy of the thing, more than actually doing the thing.
I don’t like the word deviant. That’s the point of this post (well and to catch you up on Rural Man). I am liberal. I am an open-minded liberal, almost hippie. Love who you want. Have sex with who you want. Have sex however you want. Have good sex. Seriously people, stop having bad sex! Just be safe. Be aware. Be cautious. Unless we are talking about a person taking advantage of another person in a criminal manner. Unless it is outside the boundaries of safe, sane, and consensual, then anything goes…. right? To each their own.
And by the way – the thing that got me called deviant….. restraints. Really?! In a post 50 shades world, this is still deviant?!