Thoughts on Modern Romance

I’m in Hawaii having an AMAZING time. But, before I left I read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, and documented my thoughts as reading. My version of a book review. I hope you read along!

  1. Chapter 1 Searching For Your Soulmate? Wow they just jump right in there don’t they?!
  2. Holy Shit. I dated like a baby boomer and not a millennial. I met and married my ex, who grew up within 3 blocks of me. Just like 7% of the population of Philadelphia in 1932.
  3. I was 23 when I got married….. just like the average woman in the 1980’s.
  4. Uh, must find the website “straight white boys texting” and bookmark immediately!!
  5. YES YES YES! The firm invite! Men should do this! Texting with a firm invitation to something specific at a specific time! Basically what is wrong with dating is 90% that men (or women) ask to hang rather than go do event things.
  6. The science of waiting and the power of waiting. Also, the notion of scarcity. Don’t make yourself too available. So “reward uncertainty” make people like you more. EXCEPT reward uncertainty DOESNT MAKE SENSE WITH TEXTING!  It just makes people wonder if you are dead. Or, like, majorly injured after getting hit by a bus.
  7. BUT people continue to play these obvious games, because….. they work! By not texting, or overly communicating with someone (in the early stages) then you make yourself more attractive. On the flip side, you’ve made yourself seem more attractive, and once you get into the daily stuff they either like you or they don’t. Can’t control that.
  8. Interesting. People want other people to TELL them if they aren’t interested, as opposed to pretending to be busy, or silence/ghosting. BUT most people prefer to implement the opposite of what they want. Bunch of non-confrontational wusses.
  9. I love a good pie chart…. makes me think of pie…. mmmm pie.
  10. Between 2005 and 2012 almost 40% (!!!!!!) of people met their spouse online. WOW! That’s a lot of people!
  11. Another handy dandy chart that I will be saving for later to gauge my level of attractiveness. Or, that blatantly shows that even if you are a REALLY hot guy, you still wont get a bunch of messages from girls. Women expect the men to message and pursue.
  12. The story of the two dudes and their different approaches to dating is eye opening! Game changer! The happiest guy in the room isn’t using online dating AT ALL. And he goes on dates all the time. He keeps active in all that a big city like Los Angeles has to offer (within his interests of course), meets quality people with whom he has basic interaction and shared interests, and then cultivates that connection. Amazing.
  13. Profile pictures matter….Kinda… depends on what you are selling. Also, I need to learn how to flirt to the camera.
  14. Searching for the BEST of something creates unrealistic expectations and actually works to make people unhappier with their choice. Example, if you have the mindset that you are going to find the best partner, and work really hard at finding the best, then you pick one out of your available options, when faced with reality will you always wonder if there was better out there if you kept looking? Are you a dating Maximizer?!
  15. People in small towns give people more chances to connect. Not feeling it on date one? well too bad, because you’ve run out of people on Tinder. Go on date two, and see if you don’t warm a bit to each other. The people studied in Kansas invested more time in a person before making judgments.
  16. Non-Boring dates. Create more connection. Where do I find the guys planning and taking gals out on non-boring dates?!
  17. Mate Value versus Unique Value. Someone’s attractiveness of Mate Value can be assessed right away, but it takes time to evaluate someone’s unique value. Also, the less info you have on a person, the more likely you are to rule someone out for something silly, like wrong kind of shoes.
  18. Wow, Japan. Get your act together. How is it that no one is having sex?
  19. Note to self: take Buenos Aires off the travel list. Or ignore every male there.
  20. Dear Younger generations, your lack of face to face communications will ruin us.
  21. Social Media is the devil. Except its not really…. it just feels like it when your ex is in all your pictures and you have to scrub all your accounts of their existence. Or when its just too tempting to snoop on your ex.
  22. Social media and texting makes it easier for people to cheat, because it gives a person a window of opportunity that they would be too scared to take in person. It also makes it easier to get caught.
  23. Another fun analysis of data! I’m a little surprised to see that the percentage of people who say extramarital affairs are “morally unacceptable” is so high in the US. Especially because most of these people are hypocrites.
  24. Live a responsible life, meet responsible people. How do I get friends to set me up with friends?
  25. Passion is great base, need to be able to make the jump to companion and this is where I think most short term relationships end.
  26. Be patient? Be patient?! Who has time to be patient?!? UGH!
  27. Life does get complicated. Which makes relationships/marriage really hard. And if you have made a life with someone who is going to bail, then that sucks.
  28. Aw man. Life partner. Building a story. That’s just sooooo sweet. Where do I find THAT?!
  29. Monogamy as we know it in America came with the women’s movement and men didn’t want to share?
  30. Monogamish is definitely different than cheating.
  31. Now I’m a little sad I missed the “emerging adulthood” I was supposed to have in college and after.
  32. Online dating isn’t dating. Don’t do your dating online. Intro to people online, move offline.
  33. Gotta invest time in people, if they want it, before moving on. Just like that damn catchy annoying song of the summer.


I highly recommend Modern Romance for anyone dating. Or even if you are just interested in sociology and how people find love. The top lessons I take from this, is give people a chance. If the guy is into you, and you them give it 4 dates to really get to know them before making a do or die judgement. Spark can develop as people get comfortable with each other. Go live life, making opportunities to meet people. What any of us want is to make real connections. If I only make new and meaningful friends, then I would be ok with that. A lot of people are shitty people, or shitty daters. Don’t go out with those people. And, something that will take some thought as to how to implement, go on more activity dates.

What was your take-away from the book? Any new lessons learned? Are you a shitty dater? Anything you will change moving forward?








2 thoughts on “Thoughts on Modern Romance

  1. I’m still waiting on the check out list…. Boo. But it sounds like a great book, but things I think I knew already, but as you’ve pointed out… how do get friends to set you up? Where do you meet people? No one does face to face connections anymore. Online dating is killing the rest of us. Etc. LOL.


  2. Pingback: Dateonomics Review: Dating is Number Game, and How to Date Smarter | contradictory and true

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