Austin City Limits – NEW GUY

I went to Austin, Texas on spring break. Do you know I never had a proper spring break as a young adult? Why didn’t I have more fun as a kid? I don’t have any idea.

I go to visit a friend, after I was not able to convince her to go someplace else equally as fun with me. I hadn’t been to Austin before, so it seemed like a great option (as opposed to going someplace alone). Here was an opportunity to re-connect with a friend I hadn’t seen in like for-ev-er. An opportunity to get out of the house. An opportunity for fun, and flirting, and maybe finding a nice Southern gentleman.

I was on the look out too. Full of optimism, I was hopeful that I would be sat by the young cute single guy on the plane. Maybe find a cute guy waiting at an airport bar? Possibly just bump into someone while browsing the magazines? But, nope. That’s not my luck.

Getting there on a Tuesday at about 4:30/5pm I figured I would figure out some kind of Uber to my friend’s place and then we would head out to dinner. Well, she offered to pick me up, bonus! And then needed to cancel since there were work people in town and she was told to come to dinner, and when she tried to use me as an excuse the Big Boss said to include me. Um…. Big Boss paying for drinks and dinner? YES PLEASE! Ha! I’m a nice friendly person, I can get along, I can make conversation. I can repeat my story, or various parts of it over and over again. I can listen to what people say. How they say it. Paying attention to what they are leaving out…. I love it. LOVE IT! I never (or very rarely) get tired of it. Ugh – I am such an extroverted people person.

She preps me for dinner, telling me who is who, and how they are, and what they do, and who is single…. wink wink. We walk in, fashionably late, oops. And holy hell it is a good looking group. There is one single guy at the table, cute, professional, totally a talker, and younger than me at 30 but thinks he is old. He is in town for orientation, he is the New Guy. Everyone has drinks, and we get ours. And make chit chat. New Guy hears that I live in Cleveland. He tells me he lives in Chicago, and his “territory” for work includes Cleveland. He makes it very clear that sometimes he will be in Cleveland. Then he is distracted and talking to others, jumping back into our conversation from time to time.

I was making conversation, when somehow we got on the topic of dating…. dating markets and job markets… and I made reference to Dateonomics. Well, this got the entire tables attention, and now I’m telling the entire table how there is a lack of college educated males (which they know), and how that affects dating. Again, this gets New Guy’s attention, who talks about his own experiences. He mentions he met his last girlfriend, of 18 months, on Tinder. Another man at the table tells us he and his now wife met on Tinder. Obviously we are all shocked. Unicorn!

We have several drinks, a table full of appetizers, and dinner. Then we start to move. Big Boss thinks we should get the true local (tourist) experience and takes us to a place on 6th Street. We go to a place, and are handed drinks, and then promised there will be live music. Somehow I am next to New Guy and we are chatting. Boy is he a talker. Again, mentions that he will be in the Cleveland area, and so I give him my info. He takes it and after getting close and talking for a bit, he wanders over to make friends with his new co-workers. I’m now standing next to Big Boss, who is asking me what happened. I shrug. I don’t know. He asks if I’m interested in the guy. And I say yes. He makes a joke that New Guy needs to be able to “close a deal”. And then loops a second guy into the plan. The plan being: to get New Guy to make his move.

New Guy is not smooth. And in looking back, might be a tad embarrassed by his behavior. He has his chat with the dudes, comes over to me and gives me his line. Basically saying he has my info, he can look me up in Cleveland, or we can leave and go back to his hotel. Well….. ok. He then tells me that Big Boss basically said he would be fired if he messed this up (the Big Boss might have said jokingly). Can’t let the guy get fired on his first day. Right? So, we leave. Together. I get a car, and we are on the ride back to his room. He keeps telling me “oh my god. Its my first day and I just took a girl home in front of my boss’ boss.” I ask him on a scale of 1-10, how drunk is he? He answers a 6 or 7. Yikes. Is it just me, or does that seem a little high? Will this not go well for me later? He asks me the same question. I say 3-4 range. I had been chugging way more water at the bar than drinking.

We get to the room, and he just can’t stop with the word vomit. He takes off his shirt and I ask him about his tattoos (which surprised me a tad, he just didn’t seem like the type). He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t tell, he doesn’t explain. This guy ANNOUNCES. Every statement he made sounded like a proclamation. HIS MOM IS DEAD. SHE LIKED MUSIC. THIS ANGEL IS FOR HER. oh wow. ok and these words….? I’M JEWISH! ok. You guys I almost started laughing, which would not have been ideal. But seriously with the Announcing! I made a joke about being Jewish with tattoos, anything to move on from the announcing. Sheesh. But no. THERE WERE 2 THINGS I NEEDED TO KNOW. Um ok. Yes. And? I don’t remember. Not all of it. But I do remember him basically saying he was the energizer bunny and wont get soft. Well challenge accepted.

I won. By the way. I wore out the young bunny. We each take a quick rinse. And he wants to make sure I don’t run off while he’s in the shower. I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t even know how to leave at this point. He gets out of the shower and, yup, announces – I’M A CUDDLER!! I think I groaned and said “Oh No”. Oops. Was that out loud? I tolerated the cuddling. He tells me he didn’t think I was single. When I walked in, when we sat down and started chatting, he made some assessment and decided – nope probably not an option. Which is interesting, and I need to fix.

He gets up ridiculously early in the morning because he has a flight to catch. He tells me what time is check out, and says I’m welcome to stay and sleep until then. He then says he doesn’t want to be an asshole, but could I please give him the shirt I stole, since its his favorite. Not a problem. He tells me he has my info. Umm, yeah I know. And he will “be in touch”. Ouch. That’s a rejection line.

And nope, I haven’t heard from him. Which is fine. It will be interesting to see if he thinks to contact me when he does actually come to Cleveland. But, I’m not worried about it.

I went to the South hoping to meet a nice Southern gentleman with a thick Texas drawl, and all I got was a spastic Midwesterner….






One thought on “Austin City Limits – NEW GUY

  1. Pingback: Bumble in Austin | contradictory and true

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