I have really got to find a regular time to write. This is getting harder to manage as my life gets a bit busier. I knew I needed to write, to update, but I didn’t realize I hadn’t in so long. I actually had to go back through my texts and calendar to remind myself what has been happening!
Let’s start with Dimples. And then I’ll write about Mountaineer.
I had a great date with Dimples. Like truly romantic. I didn’t really get a chance to chat with him much the following week, but eventually we communicated enough to make a plan for the following week. We were supposed to go out Friday. Made a plan to go wine tasting, and I was really looking forward to it. Then he cancelled. At the very last minute. In fact – late. We didn’t have a solid time to meet, but he had said what time he was supposed to get off work, implying that he would be here soon after, and an hour and a half after he got home I texted to see what was going on and he cancels. Says he isn’t feeling well. But this isn’t the first time he has cancelled on me like this. I’m annoyed. He was very apologetic, but he could have handled the whole thing a lot better.
The next week, we are both available on Friday again. He says he really wants to see me. He says he wants to do the wine tasting. I tell him no – I’m not planning on wine tasting. Every time we do he cancels. I’m not going to hold a grudge, but I’m also not going to let that kind of behavior slide forever. He is apologetic again, and I laugh it off. Just show up dude.
He actually manages to come out, and we go wine tasting. We were late enough that we only really had time for one place. Did the tasting, and then sat on the patio. Watched the sunset while chatting and had a couple glasses of wine. It was very enjoyable. I had a bit of left over snacks from the week before that I threw in a bag for us.
We talked about lots of different things. I laughed at him trying to describe the wine. He asked why I was laughing, but it really was entertaining watching his face as he struggled to find the words that he wanted. I noticed that he is slow to talk. That he is very conscious of what he is saying and takes his time on exactly what to say. He seemed to get a little quicker to blurt out the first thing as he drank more wine. Some how the conversation moved to emotions, and feelings, and love. I said I don’t do well with emotions, he quickly replied, “who does?” Right?! Except some people really do emotions well. They are fully in their emotions all the time. Embracing them unapologetically. Those friends who get mad, rage, and then move on. Sometimes I envy them. He said something about “being in love” as part of the conversation, and I asked “but how do you KNOW when you’re in love?” This was all theoretical talk. He says, its a feeling. Well Shit.
We get back to my place, have puppy time, and then ever so slightly Dimples is rubbing my back. Not rubbing like massaging, but like lightly touching. And I realize, THIS is his move. I was into it, and I noticed so much more this time. Like his tattoos! That I didn’t even see before! The next morning he thanks be for a nice time and takes his leave. I really need to tell him not to do that. Not after a night that includes sex. It sounds too much like he’s thanking me for sex. And that is awkward.
That was almost two weeks ago. And we’ve barely spoken since. I keeping getting into the same cycle with him. One where I seem to be doing most of the initiating. Getting frustrated because I don’t bring up wanting to see him more, or asking him what he thinks of the possibility of this actually turning into something serious. Not that I need serious RIGHT NOW, but knowing that its possible in the future would help.
While I can live with not seeing him super regularly, I’d like to know what his thoughts and feelings toward me are. And that is a conversation that is scary AF to bring up. So instead I ignore it. I avoid it. I punish myself for it. I don’t even know how to have that conversation without it sounding super cliche!
…So, What are we?
….Where do you see this going?
…….What are you looking for?
………Do you want to be exclusive?
…………What are we doing here?
………….What kind of relationship do you want?
……………Do you see potential with me?
I mean a lot of these questions don’t even seem fair to ask a 25 year old. He doesn’t even know half my life. I mean the half with mom duties. I keep everything separate. Which doesn’t mean I haven’t talked about it, I mean he hasn’t experienced it.
Ugh. and what ALL of this really comes down to is WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING!!?? What the fuck AM I doing? What do I want? What kind of relationship do I want? What is reasonable? What is reasonable for me to expect from someone else? From myself? How does this work? How does anyone make this work?
Maybe I am torturing myself by liking Dimples? Maybe I should let him go. Cut him loose.
My current mantra in life is “Boys are dumb – and I hate them” And really I’m trying to convince myself that I can do this on my own. I don’t need a guy. And most guys are clueless. They aren’t playing at anything, they are very simple, very clueless, and I don’t know that I’m capable of asserting what I need in that situation.