Is it possible to be so emotionally damaged that you can’t recover?
Triggered over and over and over that you just end up broken, instead of coming out the other side healed?
I’ve lost my appetite. My jaw hurts from clenching. I’m listening to all the Taylor Swift. I’m not sleeping well. Shit. I’m seeing the signs of trauma all over again. Not severe, but there. At least this time I see it. Good thing I have friends coming this weekend – purpose, distraction, and forward motion.
My track record for romantic relationships is not good. I had no idea finding a person to be in any type of relationship with would be so difficult. Other people make it look so easy. It’s natural to think – Why not me? Why am I doing wrong? What do they have that I don’t? Maybe I’m not meant to have romance?
You know what I secretly hate – people who tell me I deserve to find love. “You deserve to be loved” “You deserve to be happy” “I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve” Fuck you. These are the words of people who have felt safe, loved, and secure. You deserve it, everyone in life does. Uh… ok. What is it then? What does that mean? What does it feel like? How will I know?
You know who is supposed to give you the foundation for healthy relationships? Your parents. Do you know who caused trauma – my parents. No wonder this a fucked up journey.
And I’m wondering, where is the after care for rejection? Its all self care. And I’m envisioning a world in which the person breaks up with me, holds me and waits until I’m annoyed. Wait for me to see all the ridiculous annoyances that I’m sure would have ruined it for me eventually anyway. Waits for me to play out all scenarios and fantasies in my head all leading to the same conclusion the other person just saw sooner. Waits for me to be able to get up and walk out saying “ok thanks! see ya”.
I keep replaying everything – unpacking it all. What happened here that I was attached, or invested? I’m not one that attaches just from sex. Which has me questioning. Did he give off signals or did I misread situations? He clearly said casual. Were his actions not casual?
I thought I was ok with casual dating. I had been. I was doing just fine. I asked, what is it that isn’t FWB/hookups only, but also isn’t committed? A friend replies, uh…. that’s called dating. I must sound like an idiot. But let’s remember that I literally have three years dating experience. In dating age I’m a baby 21 year old. Cynical, enthusiastic, and mostly clueless.
And then a friend said something very profound: You swing to either “I like your dick but don’t like your personality” or “wow, I want to be with you and only you, I like your dick AND your personality”. And I’m telling you, it was like a FUCKING lightbulb AHA moment. It took three years, but I found a guy who I liked his dick and his personality. It was only 5 weeks, and given time I’m sure I would have found disillusionment. But, I’m currently annoyed that I wasn’t given that chance.
All the other dicks I liked were just that, dicks.
I know the pattern. I’m aware. I can handle dicks, the jerks, the fuckboi, the clear one night stand. When you’ve been treated like shit by people are are supposed to love you, you learn crazy ways of dealing or suppressing. Like the abused puppy in the video, who melts into the person being nice to them. Don’t be nice – I’m not prepared for it. And in reflection I know when it happened – movie night. Cuddling. An act that is usually repulsive to me was not, and it felt nice. It felt nice, like really nice, to sit with a person comfortably and have him kiss the top of my head occasionally.
Maybe that’s my glimpse into what normal feels like. Maybe that was all I was ready for, that small step. Maybe that was his purpose, to give insight into what could be possible for me. To challenge my perception of myself.
Maybe I don’t hate cuddling?