I joked that he had a five star uber rating. The next day I sent it to him via text. I was trying to be flirty, thinking maybe he would suggest another date. Instead of being playful and seemingly in on the joke, he was weirdly formal. Maybe that is just his style? What is the proper text to send after you have sex with a guy who spends the whole time talking about threesomes?
I placed him in the for a good time call category. But thats when I worry, am I messaging too much, is he not messaging enough? Its a delicate balance of checking in and seeing if someone is going to suggest meeting up and completely ignoring each other for weeks. It was a busy week and we traded a few basic check in messages and he never took the lead to suggest anything.
So I did. I invited him out (short notice) for an event the next day. It was a tactic. I was trying to be strategic. If he said yes, GREAT! If he said no, then cool, his turn to suggest a thing. Right?! THOSE ARE THE RULES. He turned me down, since he already had plans for the night….. ….. ….. ….. ….. And I got annoyed when he didn’t suggest an alternative. Obviously this means he is not interested in me. Obviously. I hated myself, as I sent my availability for the weekend, asking him to let me know if he wanted to get together. It felt so lame and needy.
“Hey, I know you just turned me down, and it may or may not have been a brush off, so just to make sure, if you DID want to do anything I have Friday open.”
That is not the actual message sent, but that’s how the message felt. Now I’m annoyed that he didn’t make an alternate suggestion to my date idea, AND I’m annoyed at myself for putting myself out there again. He lets me know that Friday does work for him, and I agree, let’s plan for Friday.
Crickets. I texted last. And there was no confirmation, there was no plan. There was just a vague – lets do Friday! Without hearing anything from him, and he being such a weird formal and sporadic texter, I let it go. I took myself out to the movies.
While in the move I got the text, at 8:50pm, “I haven’t forgotten about tonight. Laying on my couch… sick” Um. Ok. Better be dying if you can’t even text a person for two days. And I get it. I get sick too. I send a simple, “No worries, feel better!”
Then I go on vacation for a week. No one is surprised when I hear nothing from the guy. No apology for not making a plan. No message about getting sick, being sick, or feeling better. No suggestion for a reschedule. Its all super clear that he is just not into it at all, right?
I get back from vacation and its still a lingering thing in my head. I go on okcupid and I happen to see his chat isn’t in the same place, he’s deactivated his profile. Was he overwhelmed by dating? Maybe he found a girlfriend in the two weeks I didn’t see him? I text him. I ask if he is feeling better. He chats, super basic, kinda formal. Who leads all their texts with the other persons name? THIS ISN’T EMAIL!
I wanted to be a brat. I wanted to send the message – Are you going to ask me out again ever? Or are you too busy to date? Do you have a girlfriend you forgot to mention? Maybe our schedules just aren’t a match?
But I didn’t. I sent a very rational, hey I’m getting the feeling you’re not into this, and let me know if I’m reading this wrong and we can grab a drink. Friends helped. I sent them all the bratty messages and they helped me come up with something better. This is why we have friends.
He replied that he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now, but that he enjoyed the time we spent together and would like dinner or drinks again. Fucking men. Shut the FUCK up with your relationship talk. Women are not trying to go on two dates and force you into an exclusive relationship. At least not the majority of women I know. STAHP.
I reminded him that I wasn’t talking about a FUCKING RELATIONSHIP. I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT DATING! I called him out on his lack of communication, the cancellation, and not suggesting alternative availability when I suggested meeting up. I reminded him that, AS I SAID BEFORE (maybe he wasn’t listening?) it would take a LONG time of dating someone before getting to a relationship status. What am I doing wrong that guys can’t HEAR me when I tell them this?
Anyway, I tell The Spaniard that I’m down for dinner, drinks, heck even bowling. But I think he got the message that even if it was casual, it needed manners and a little effort. If he wants to screw the 20 something year olds that don’t give a fuck, don’t require any effort, and will text him at all hours requesting sex, then by all means dude – get it! But that’s not me. I’m not going to ever text at 2am asking you up.
He apologized for not reaching out sooner, and he gave his availability. Which I appreciated. But I’m not holding my breath that this will be anything more than a fun fling.
Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t send the bratty message. Don’t be a dick.
Do call out behavior in a nice way. Do set clear expectations. Do let the other person know how their actions were interpreted. Do communicate.
Do fill your roster with other equally fabulous dates!