In March I paid for a month of Bumble Boost. I had used a free week trial and enjoyed being able to see who already swiped on me, and control the number of conversations I started at a time. It took out the randomness of swiping and I feel it gave me an edge.
After I got dumped by my casual hookup who didn’t exactly understand casual and then dumped me for a new girlfriend he had known for essentially hours, I needed the distraction. Obviously I’m ok with casual, I know not every date is going to lead to long term. But eventually I would like to find a long term casual, with potential for serious. Eventually. In a very vague some day way.
We all know online dating is a numbers game. You can’t take it personal. There are a LOT of variables. And, at the end of the day, you can’t control other people or expect too much from strangers. Bumble Boost gives you a couple of perks. You see who has swiped on you, you can rematch with expired matches, and you can add a 24 hour extension if you need to.
My strategy was to weed out all the definite no’s from the pile. Then, when I did have the time, strategically again, usually mid day in the beginning of the week – I would start matching 8-10 guys at a time. I would mostly send the same opener with a few variations, or a comment about their profile/pictures. Sometimes I was lazy with a gif or joke opener. I gave a lot of maybes a chance. Maybe I’m attracted – Match! Maybe his bio isn’t terrible – Match! Maybe he’s an interesting guy – MATCH! Matching such a high number at a time meant that I didn’t really notice if guys responded or not. I wasn’t always aware of the guys who unmatched. From every 8-10 matches (again, this is per swiping session, sometimes daily, sometimes a few times a day, sometimes not for a few days, point is it was a LOT of matching) I would at least get 2-3 conversations. At LEAST! Sometimes more. Many times more. Then of those conversations if the guy wasn’t interesting, I let it go quiet. If he let the conversations go quiet, or didn’t make any effort after my initial intro conversations, then done. Out. Next! I didn’t waste time unmatching or worrying over what any of these bozos thought of me.
Few guys made real effort. I traveled during this time – they were still there. I went to LA for a week. Still chatting. I exchanged numbers with one guy. I didn’t keep tract of how many matches and conversations it took. There is no spread sheet. But it was A LOT – like TONS. And the $24.99 was WELL worth time spent.
Because one guy is all it really takes to make an impression. He’s the one who asked me what I was looking for, or rather a variation on the question – a question I normally hate because it feels like a trick question – but in this case I allowed it because of how it was asked.
It felt like he was leading with his questions. Giving me his answer in how he was asking. The guys looking to just hook up will completely leave it up to you to answer. What are you looking for? Oh a relationship eventually? Nope! Are you looking to date? To find your person? Great me too – wanna hang out?
I wasn’t going to make it easy for the guy either. I mean, I never do, why start now? He said he wanted a date, I said ok, and then he gave me his phone number. It took what felt like an eternity of occasional random messages before he asked again. During that time he slowly inserted himself into daily life. Like a virus. At first it was an occasional message checking in, a quick conversation every couple of days. And by the time we made arrangements for our first date, he was texting daily.
We meet for a frist date. Just a quick date to gauge interest. He is recovering from a cold, and I could tell he didn’t feel super awesome. And while I enjoyed his company, I was still not fully sure of chemistry or his intentions. He walked me to the car and gave me a hug.
Second date was axe throwing and then pizza. Unfortunately the axe throwing was louder than I expected, and I got a headache. By the time we were done with dinner I was fighting off a major migraine. I thought I was doing my best to maintain my composure. We walked out to our cars, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. When I got home he texted and asked if I had a good time. He said it seemed like I was really over it. I think he was trying to ask if I was over him. I explain the headache. Which I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got into the car and couldn’t figure out why my dashboard lights were so bright. It took me about 10 minutes into my drive to realize the lights weren’t that bright, I was just sensitive to it because of my headache.
Feeling bad about the way I left that date, I suggested we meet up again that weekend, he agrees to brunch. We meet up at a popular brunch spot and get lucky finding two spots at the bar. I’m not dying of a headache, and he’s not dying of a man cold, and I feel like we finally hit a groove. The conversation was good, I feel like I as really starting to get to know him. And the more I learned the more attractive he became. Leaving the restaurant, he made sure to walk on the outside of the sidewalk. We walk the short distance to my car in the drizzling rain. I make a comment about how I don’t believe in Umbrellas – what a waste of time right?! – and he quips back that his hat is his umbrella. When we get to my car, he says he had a good time and goes in for a kiss. Short and sweet and, good lord I’ve gotten more action from my great aunt. So I remove his ball cap and go in for round two. Just a few more gentle soft kisses, to express my returned interest in him, and then place his cap back on, say goodbye and get into my car.
He messages me as I’m walking into my house. He THANKS me for making his awkward kiss less awkward. I’m confused by this statement, because in the moment I didn’t see it as awkward. But ok. He says he is really bad at the whole end of the date, saying goodbye at the car thing – ummm has he not had that many first dates? Who is this guy – and then its starts to come into focus. Is this one of those relationshipy guys? One of those guys that just falls into one relationship to the next with little dating or in-between time. I bet the majority of his girlfriends have been girls he new in real life, that were either friends first or they shared circles, of friends or at work. Weird.
And then – EVEN WEIRDER he continues to message me regularly. Then he added me on Snapchat. Ummm, this is where I get dick pics right? Nope! Didn’t happen. He shares random snaps, but no reason that they are on snapchat. Could have sent them via text. I don’t get it. And these are sent directly TO ME, not me just checking out his snaps stories.
He asks when I’m free again, and I tell him that I do have kids for the weekend, but I could always get a sitter. He tried to back out, saying he felt bad making me get a sitter. I explained that I would schedule her for later so she really would just be putting the kids to bed, and then I would meet him out. I assured him that I would need the break. He agrees to the terms, and then I give him the power to plan.
Which he does. No help from me! He throws out a few options, and I said, yup sounds good! I’m ok with any of those, you are in charge. And he didn’t get weird about it, or argue, he just went with it.
We had been messaging the morning of the 4th date – and then out of nowhere – he messages “I’m excited for tonight” I send it to the group. I think its funny because he’s excited for the date, but we’ve BEEN talking. My friends are suspicious of me. I agree that its a really nice text – that its super adorable. So therefore, totally weird and he MUST be an alien. Not human male. No way.
Then realizing this was going to be the 4th date, the big question was is this the date he tries to make a move? The conversation with friends spiraled.
Here is a guy. From what I know, he is well traveled, has a good job, is liberal and open minded, attractive, is chivalrous, loves kids, has a close core group of friends from college he stays in contact with as well as local friends, is athletic and works out regularly, he cooks, is funny, and then when his parents drove out to visit/help him move furniture he gave up his room for them to stay over and he slept on the couch. And he SEEMS to like me. He messages daily, but basics not flirty. He does ask for my availability. He did say I was pretty – that one time, and then I made it awkward. And he did kiss me – which he then thought HE made awkward. Hmmmm, so why hasn’t he tried to get into my pants? Or at least gone for a make out session? Maybe second base? What IS this??
Is THIS what people really mean when they say nice guys finish last? Are the actual nice guys just not as obvious in their intentions as the fuckbois? Welp, he didn’t try to fuck me by the 4th date, he must not really be into it. Ok NEXT?! Are the nice boys waiting for the opportunity to make a move, while the fuckbois CREATE the opportunity?
I meet the obvious Alien out for dinner, as we finished up dinner, we decided to change venues to a bar down the street. We walk over and inside the Griffin Cider House and right when we walk in a couple gets up from the bar and makes their exit. I pounce on the bar seats. I like that we are getting cozy and sitting close enough that our bodies have a constant point of contact. It becomes clear that he wants to be touchy, putting his had on the back of my chair, but is also cautious. Respectful? Maybe he’s scared to be too forward? We hang out, have a couple of drinks, and then he’s asking me what time I need to get home. I was so unaware of the time, I pull out my phone to look and HOLY SHIT – its fine – its 11:53 and I’m freaking out internally. I’m saying its fine, but wow I did not mean to stay out that late. He calls me out – he hears that I’m saying its fine, but he tells me that my body language is saying oh shit. I’m impressed he picked up on that, and that he even gives a fuck,
We walk out and he walks me to my car. I insist on driving him back up the street to his car because its BALLS COLD – like winter 28 degrees, he agrees. Which is good, or else we would have had our first fight with me yelling in the middle of a residential street – “just get in the fucking car”. I stop to let him out and he goes to kiss me, AND THANK GOODNESS! Finally!! This is the kind of kiss I was expecting and hoping for on the third date and didn’t get.
I get home and the INSTANT I am inside I get a text from him – I swear he put a tracking device on my car.
He had fun AND I’m cute. Cue mini freak out. So I DO like this guy, and I like that there is a serious potential factor BUT – It bothers me that there are no warning flags so far. No red flags, no yellow flags, NO FUCKING ORANGE FLAGS. Its not normal for anyone to be so perfect. No one is this nice. Confession: I had a friend run a background check on him. See what kind of shit he was hiding, no surprise theres not much there. I’m beginning to theorize that maybe he is in the FBI, and all this is a cover? Maybe he’s in the witness protection program?
But the last time I was really into a guy – he turned out to be crazy. True there were TONS of flags on the play at this point in the game with Joe, and he turned out to be crazy, but there was magic energy and chemistry and I didn’t get burned, it just wasn’t as awesome as it seemed like it could be. I went from hey this guy is great, to oh this is not the guy for me, to shit this man in insane.
So, take it slow. and enjoy the ride. No one is perfect. Don’t ignore warnings, but also don’t make shit up when things are fine. He must be an Alien.